Can't Get It Out of My Head

So chapter 21 of Secret is up:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/21/

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written a blog. I only really see the point in writing one when there's something really important to discuss, and I think last chapter spoke for itself.

I know I didn't get to reply to everyone's reviews and I apologize. I had a lot of schoolwork and the response last chapter gave me the largest amount of reviews per chapter I've ever received. I'm going to try and answer your questions in review replies as often as I can, but if I don't reply anymore..forgive me. It's overwhelming...just know I read all of your reviews and they're tremendously appreciated!



I guess we'll start at the beginning and work our way through...

This chapter is important on two different levels. First, is the SWATward aspect, and obviously, second, would be his relationship with Bella.

It won't make much sense until very soon, but the ominous final sentence in Edward's POV (right before the page break) has a lot of forewarning to it. Obviously the inclusion of the one-shot is a given, but there are many more things you guys will be hit with during this story.

I get asked a lot if I'm going to continue the story past the one-shot, and I'd just like to make it clear that I am. I have at least a month's worth of B/E storytelling after the one-shot to write. How many chapters it will translate into is yet to be seen. But no fear...the one-shot, as romantic as it is, is not the happily ever after.

I know some readers are also getting antsy about the pacing of the story. I know it's torturous and I don't blame you for wanting to drop the story and move on to something else (I might do the same thing if I was a reader), but I do think there is a certain merit in the one-shot that can only really be appreciated if things happen slowly. And to a degree, I also deserve a little more credit. I've skipped over, and will be taking out, more things than you can imagine to speed up the progress. By next chapter we will be finally in January - the new year - and three months away from the one-shot.

Also while reading through, I was concerned some readers might misinterpret Bella's honesty as well. In past chapters she's been rightfully accused of testing Edward too much and torturing him, but in this chapter there's a change. Her comments and whispers aren't to further torture Edward, it's to make it clear that she's feeling a certain way towards him. The change can be found in one sentence and don't hurt yourselves trying to figure it out. It's painfully obvious. When we read her POV - which I won't tell you when it is arriving - it'll become more clear that the shift is out of love...not out of a sadistic need to torture a man who is hopelessly in love.

The dream sequence is really important too but you won't figure out why until next chapter. I really, really beg of you to listen to the chapter song. It's beautiful and fits with the scene perfectly. It helped inspire me to write it actually. I'll come back to this chapter's dream sequence next chapter.

Another thing that I need to mention, is that the charms from Bella's bracelet are now online. If you navigate over to the right, and browse through my links there is one titled Bella Swan. It's a general character set that gives a little insight into her as a person. I must stress though that two things in the set are off. The "diamond" charm isn't represented (I couldn't find a nice one), and her ring is supposed to have two smaller diamonds on either side of the heart. Otherwise, all the charms are there. If you'd like to check out Edward's character set it's listed as Edward Masen.

I know this blog was a little rushed but I hope if you have anymore questions you'll leave them in a review or PM.

As always, thanks for reading!

Get Up

Secret got updated:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/18/

I know this blog came very late but I just didn't have much of a chance to sit down and let everything pour out.

First: the mystery man in the gym

My lips are sealed. You'll learn more about him later. More towards the end of the story.

Second: the engagement.

The scene where Edward realizes Bella's engaged requires a certain level of perception. If you need to go back and reread it, I advise you to. Throughout the entire scene Edward sort of mentions how Bella seems disappointed, or like she wants him to say something, or do something.

She does.

As I discussed with one reader, Bella's life is a struggle between what is right and what she wants right now. Her weekend away with Jacob was enough for her to know this thing with Edward isn't as small as she wanted it to be. She's got real feelings for him and they're perpetuated by Edward's behavior. She knows Edward feels something for her too but she's not always sure of it. Edward is constantly hot & cold with Bella.

Yet at the same time, she's loved Jacob for a long time. She feels compelled to say yes. Think about how hard it would be to see this man you've come to love - and thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - one his knee, asking you to marry him. It would be hard to say no.

That's what the entire scene in the office is about. Bella is silently pleading with Edward to tell her no. To tell her not to get married to Jacob. To tell her she can count on him, and that he really does love her. She needs Edward to intervene and make it clear that he wants her.

Clearly he doesn't. And that's the reason behind her disappointment and sadness.

If you remember from the one-shot...Bella is not the one who's unsure.

"Edward Masen don’t you dare apologize! I kissed you! Why do you do this to
yourself? Who cares about Charlie and your job? I love you and I’m sick of
pretending I don’t care!"

She recognizes Edward's self-denial after a while. Of course now she's not completely sure, but as time progresses she'll notice it more.

Third: the elevator scene with Charlie.

Now, I know I don't have to quote the one-shot for you guys to know why that scene is important. It's just one of the first instances where Charlie expresses his aversion to Bella dating an officer. More scenes like this will add to Edward's convoluted self-concept during the one-shot.

Fourth: Wallace getting his ass beat.

I personally love this part of the chapter. I got to explore another side of Edward. During that scene he's not Edward...he's Lieutenant-Detective Masen. And I have to admit I was somewhat overwhelmed and frightened of him during that scene but I was also turned on ;) As I told numerous readers: baseball bats, sarcasm, and shoulder-holsters do nothing for my already overactive imaginaton.

I know some readers were concerned that at any point he might cross the line but you have to understand something about our Copward. The man is determined. As mentioned during the chapter, he's hoping to be promoted to Captain one day. Edward would never put that goal in jeopardy and he knows his limits. Everything about him when he's in officer-mode is about careful calculation. His moves are unconciously measured and analyzed. His gun had the safety on!

You never have to worry about our Copward going overboard. Well unless Bella gets into trouble...

Speaking of which, I may do an outtake of her POV during the engagement and the office scene. If I post it, it'll be underneath the Secret Sideshots, Outtakes, and More story. I'll keep you guys posted on whether or not I do.

Oh and this is another tangent but I wanted to thank you all for being so gracious last chapter. I couldn't think of anyone really that actually liked the engagement but everyone was so nice about it. Everyone remembered the one-shot and stayed optimistic. You all have no idea how much it means to me to have your positivity and support. I really love you all for being so great. You guys are the best readers/fans out there! End. Of. Story. ;)

I know I haven't done this before but I'd like to recommend a story as well. It's Namariel's Sin City. It's a Twilight/Sin City crossover. If you like my Copward and action you'll love her story:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4877388/1/Sin_City

Read and review. It's great!

Oh and the code for my Twilighted readers that want a little Secret siggie:

[url=http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/1/Secret][img]http://i526.photobucket.com/albums/cc344/twilighter620/banner22.jpg[/img][/url]

When I Fall in Love

So before I discuss this latest chapter I need to address a few things-

Many FF readers may not know what's been going on over at FF these last few days other than the fact they can't log-in. The author of Wide Awake has been reported for misconduct (I'm not giving my opinion on this) and two of her chapters have been taken down. A slew a rumors have since been flying about, one of which is that FF - in an effort to remove all sexual content, sexual innuendo, etc. - is going to be removing all M and T-rated stories. Now please read: THIS IS A RUMOR.

I don't know if this is true. Luckily, Secret has been on Twilighted for a while now. The updates don't come as quickly as FF but if this rumor comes to pass then at least I'm well-ahead in my contingency plan. Since we don't know what's going to happen I suggest that some of you readers go ahead and sign-up on Twilighted. Many authors that are popular post there regularly and it may be a way to keep up. Twilighted is a friendly site so really I'd advise you regardless.

Now onto Secret ;)

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/17/

So, yes, I know I tricked you all but honestly aren't you happy with the surprise? I've been dying to write this chapter for a while but I knew before Edward left to Chicago that this chapter had been coming up. It's the first real chapter that garners a reference in the one-shot.

I love you so much more than you know. I’ve loved you since the
moment I saw you
at your father’s banquet. I’m so sorry….We shouldn’t do
this as much as I’m
desperate too. My job is too dangerous and unstable. I
could not come back one
day…I love you too much to hurt you.

One reader in particular, Emmy (I had to shout you out), has been asking me about this darn banquet for months. Emmy, amongst other readers, is one of those people who observes and relates everything I do back to the one-shot constantly. The truth about the one-shot is that the set-up for the two characters I wrote and the setting I chose was much more simple than the one I'm currently writing. Edward was a low-level police officer, in a small town, who was in love with the sheriff's daughter. I know what you're thinking...how the hell did I end up with SWATward? I don't know either.

In any case, the point I'm trying to make is that look ya'll...we are one step closer to them finally admitting they love each other and making love! I know it seems like it's taking forever but as I told my bff Steph yesterday "I mean we waited like 30 chps. for the lemon in B&B." And it's true what they say...good things are worth waiting for.

One thing I need to explain for proper visualization too is mess dress. I'll let the picture do the talking:

So here's the thing. I don't own photoshop. My current economic situation isn't cool but I tried alright?

Okay, so back to the semantics and story behind this chapter. This chapter literally has been writing itself in my head for months. The line:

The room started to grow strangely dim; her beauty transcended everything around
her.

...has been sitting in my brain box for months. I was inspired by a song and the line came to me and I just knew it needed to be in Edward's revelation. It was honestly my favorite part to write of the entire chapter. It's been a dream-sequence in my life for so long that it felt so liberating to finally write it down and share it with all of you. If there's nothing you like about the chapter, I would only hope Edward's revelation stuck with you. I wanted the reader just to feel as overwhelmed by an intimidating onslaught of emotions as Edward did at that moment. I'm writing this blog before I post the chapter so I don't know your reactions but that was my intent. If you felt your heart swelling and a tingly feeling in your fingers while you read...I did my job.

Another thing I love about this chapter is just how much we see the man we met in the one-shot. Steph and I, lovingly, refer to him as Torturedward. You are shown this man who's so desperately in love with a woman that he's convinced himself he will never have. I didn't go into the obvious details but if you need a reminder go reread Bella's POV last chapter. That part towards the end where she discusses why it would never work between her and Edward are just some of the reasons why they'd never work out. If Bella and Edward didn't share such a strong love between them they would never work out. In the words of Edward:

There were far too many outstanding variables for tonight to go off without a
hitch.

The man knows what he's talking about ladies. It's not me just loving to torture you and making unecessary drama. He calls his revelation before he even knows that it'll happen. He may be stupid for not damning everyone to hell and claiming his girl but he sure is intuitive. That's got to earn him some points, right? Another reason that will be addressed probably next chapter is the other plot-line we've got going with Danny Fiori and the crime that runs rampant in Seattle at the current time. No man is going to willingly drag the love of his life into that sort of environment and believe that their relationship will survive...let alone themeselves. Bella and Edward don't have a simple love story of boy meets girl, they date, and get married in Secret. It's harder for them. So it's obviously hard to get to the point where they can even consider such a relationship.

One more thing I found so uniquely and singularly special this chapter was Rosalie. In the books, Rosalie and Edward tend to have a relatively or mildly hostile relationship but I wanted to see that relationship in a new light. Rosalie's hostility comes from a place of fierce protectiveness and necessity. I wanted her to be protective and concerned for Edward in a less in-your-face way. Edward has fallen in love for the first time with a girl who's seriously taken and doesn't exist to 99% of the population.Rose is worried about him. It's no secret to anyone that Edward has relationship struggles and emotional baggage. The man defines the word turmoil.

Another thing that happens with Rosalie this chapter is something that many readers may not pick up on initially. When Rosalie comes back with the place cards and has a smirk it's because she's in on a little secret. She knows before Edward does that Bella and Jacob will be sitting with them. Rosalie has no idea of what's gone on in the past with Edward and Jacob nor does she know about Bella and Edward's confrontation. The smirk is just out of personal satisfaction. So I gave Rosalie her chance to prove herself this chapter. I hope she stood out to you. I don't dress a lady in red without it being representative of something.

The final thing I must discuss...I'm sure you're all wondering why I chose The Red Wheelbarrow. You'll have to understand the story behind the poem to understand. From what I can accurately remember as told me:

William Carlos Williams was a physician and was on his way to tell a set of parents their child was going to die from cancer. Williams wrote poems randomly between patients and in his spare time. On his way to see the parents, he looked outside the window and noticed a red wheelbarrow, covered with rain, next to a few white chickens. He realized that even in this solemn moment, there was beauty left in the world. Williams experienced what my professor would call a moment of duration. It was a moment where you saw the simple and true beauty of life. You were no longer killing time, you recognized time was killing you. Yet at the same token, time had no bearing. All that mattered was that red wheelbarrow...or the first girl who truly stole your heart.

So by this, I mean to say, look outside the window. Maybe you'll discover your red wheelbarrow. If a closed-off man who sees himself as a lonely, hopeless human being can discover the beauty in his solitary life...anything can happen

I Want You

Chapter 16 of Secret is now up!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/16/

It’s a commonly held belief that men have no insight into the complex minds of women. Despite the truth to that statement I think an exception must also be made…for women like me. I do not presume to understand men nor do feel I necessarily do the male POV any justice but in my personal opinion I seem to be better at writing Edward’s POV versus Bella’s. In other words: writing this chapter was hell.

Many readers—prior to this chapter—reviewed and inquired about Bella’s POV or speculated as to what it might be like. I’m sure there are some readers that are disappointed, some that are surprised, some that are peeved, and some that aren’t particularly surprised at all.
In writing Bella’s relationship with Jacob I faced a dilemma. Like many Twilighter’s I hold the Team Switzerland stance, with a slight bias towards Edward, so I struggled with how to show the good side of Jacob when the Twilight Nation is so strongly Team Edward.

My intent was never to create Jacob and mold him into something I don’t see him as. As I’ve told many readers before, I see Jacob as the second-best. There are no real instances in the series (until he imprints on Renesmee) where Jacob disproves his passionate love for Bella. In this, I mean that Jacob would be just as good a fit for Bella as Edward is. Now I realize in saying I wanted to keep Jacob as “canon” as possible, I’m also raising the argument for why Edward is so OOC. My response would be this: I never intended to write a huge story from the one-shot and when I did I wanted it to be full of drama and excitement.

Secret would never be the story it is if Bella had to choose between two perfect men. If I wanted to write a story about that I’d be plagiarizing Eclipse! What makes the story so unique and special is that Edward isn’t the perfect gentleman we’ve come to love and adore…yet. It’s this long journey of self-discovery and love that brings him to the point where we recognize Edward’s true character. Call me dramatic but I happen to find that more interesting. Of course I could have gone the easy route and made Jacob the awful boyfriend—who can’t give Bella an orgasm—and written Edward as a man who’s practically sex personified and is the perfect man BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE Secret! It would make things too easy and no matter my Team Switzerland stance I will always write a Bella and Edward story. If it were that easy the story would have been done 6 chapters ago.

Another interesting part of this chapter was how much I found myself referencing the one-shot. We don’t realize it as we read Secret but think about it…how many times have we really read a description of the interior of Bella’s home in this story? Once. In her first POV and very briefly and vaguely, I might add. I set up rules for myself in the one-shot. Rules that I love and hate at the same time. Rules that I’ve come to consider bending just for the sake of one scene I’m desperate to write. But I realize I’ll never do that. Another thing that makes the story is the rules. I never intended to drag-out Secret and quite frankly the challenge it has been only serves to make the story better in my opinion. I wish I could share the experience I have writing this story with others. To discuss it and share blogs every once in a while about what’s it like for me isn’t even enough. It’s something special that I wish everyone who cares about this story could understand.

In getting back to the rules I also added some twisted foreshadowing. In this chapter, Bella mentions a particular guest room on two separate occasions. Once, when Jacob’s trying to comfort her after her phone call with Renee, and again when she’s setting Billy up in the guestroom. Would anyone like to take a guess as to why the guestroom is so significant?

If you guessed A: because it’s the room she and Edward have sex in for the first
time, as written in the one-shot…you’re correct! (I wish I had something
tangible to give you but for now I’ll just give you a virtual high-five.)

I wasn’t sure why I wanted to do this foreshadowing but I felt like that room held greater power than anyone of us—myself included—could fathom. I never made a conscious decision as to why I chose that random room in particular while writing the one-shot but I happen to believe everything happens for a reason. I’m sure I’ll never know why that room is so special but I don’t think I necessarily want to.

There’s also some other foreshadowing that Bella does unknowingly but I don’t think I’ll reveal what part it is just yet. I seem to live for your speculation.

As always thanks for reading the blog and reading Secret!

Prelude for Piano

So Chapter 12 of Secret is up now as I'm sure you all know.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/12/

This chapter was a challenge for me - probably an even greater challenge than anything I've written in this story yet. It was a struggle to really get the tone correct. Don't get me wrong, I've been to my share of funerals and known people who have passed but the emotions are so much more palpable when it's more personal and they're feelings that are more relevant. I, thankfully, haven't been to any funerals for about 3 years now. So I was really trying to remember as best as I could how I felt in that moment. I really needed Edward's pain and realization to be realistic and relatable. I needed it to feel like something you know you've felt if you have ever had someone close to you die, especially so suddenly.

I know some people will be upset about Vanessa's disturbing death as well. You'll have to understand that I had a plan for this story before I began writing it. It bothered me to write her death as much as I'm sure it bothered some readers. I didn't expect to become almost attached to this original character. I'm also a stickler about staying in the lines and what I mean by this is that I didn't want to change my intent for the story and characters just because I felt bad for Vanessa. My plan was this dramatic chain of events and I feel I need to stick to it to write the incredible story I have in mind.

I needed something truly mind-blowing to break Edward's character down to the point of no return. It's almost comparable to what they do to men/women in the Navy, Army, Marines etc. They break these young men/women down to the point of no return to turn them into the strong men who fight for our country. I needed to break Edward down emotionally to turn him into the man who falls in love with Bella and eventually changes completely. It's not just enough to love her and for that to inspire his change.

Another big thing that happened with Edward was his revelation of Bella's identity. I know many readers will breathe a sigh of relief with this. I really needed to wait until this point because the intent was for Edward to be angry with Bella when he found out the truth. It would never have affected him as much if he didn't trust her completely and swear she was the most honest person ever. The whole reason why he's so upset is because he would swear to anyone she was a truly honest person, which to a certain degree she is. We all speak our half-truths and spit lies but Bella really is an inherently good person. I needed it to be this way.

This next chapter will probably take off from where I finished. The confrontation with Edward and Bella about her identity should take place soon. The nice thing about her identity being revealed is that now I can write Bella instead of always reminding myself to type Isabella ;)

Thank you to anyone who's read this or reviewed. I love that I get to share something so personal and something I'm so proud of with you.

First Post

This is my first post obviously.

At this time I'm still working on my next chapter of Secret but it's still not done yet. One more major plot-related thing needs to take place before I can finish it off and do re-reading for any major errors and then it can be posted. I'm really nervous yet excited about this one. Two very different and major things happen so I'm anxious to see what the response will be to both. At this point I can safely say it'll be a cliffhanger but I just can't seem to stay away from them these days so it's not much of a surprise ;)

I've also been informed by my dear friend Steph that Secret has been getting some exposure and shout-outs lately which is incredible. I have a decent response currently but I feel like this story is just too special for other readers to be missing out. I think Steph can vouch for me that it will be like nothing you've ever read and the surprises will just be phenomenal. There's a lot of premeditation and strict plot-rules to follow in writing Secret. Writing that one-shot back in the summer did many wonderful yet frustrating things.

Scenes where (Isa)Bella and Edward would be more affectionate just cannot take place due to the unconscious rules I set-up for myself in the one-shot. It's a challenge but in a way I think it's good. It's good for me as a writer. I've never ventured out like this in my writing and it has only benefited me. With A New Sensation there's not much of a plot or complexity, it's just a fun fluff story, but with Secret I really have dive deep in Edward's convoluted and complex inner-workings. I think I've really found that I'm better at writing his POV than Bella's even. Bella just feels too easy to write at times. I'm considering doing another strictly EPOV story after I finish Secret up. We'll just have to see how it goes...

Happy readings!