When I Fall in Love

So before I discuss this latest chapter I need to address a few things-

Many FF readers may not know what's been going on over at FF these last few days other than the fact they can't log-in. The author of Wide Awake has been reported for misconduct (I'm not giving my opinion on this) and two of her chapters have been taken down. A slew a rumors have since been flying about, one of which is that FF - in an effort to remove all sexual content, sexual innuendo, etc. - is going to be removing all M and T-rated stories. Now please read: THIS IS A RUMOR.

I don't know if this is true. Luckily, Secret has been on Twilighted for a while now. The updates don't come as quickly as FF but if this rumor comes to pass then at least I'm well-ahead in my contingency plan. Since we don't know what's going to happen I suggest that some of you readers go ahead and sign-up on Twilighted. Many authors that are popular post there regularly and it may be a way to keep up. Twilighted is a friendly site so really I'd advise you regardless.

Now onto Secret ;)

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/17/

So, yes, I know I tricked you all but honestly aren't you happy with the surprise? I've been dying to write this chapter for a while but I knew before Edward left to Chicago that this chapter had been coming up. It's the first real chapter that garners a reference in the one-shot.

I love you so much more than you know. I’ve loved you since the
moment I saw you
at your father’s banquet. I’m so sorry….We shouldn’t do
this as much as I’m
desperate too. My job is too dangerous and unstable. I
could not come back one
day…I love you too much to hurt you.

One reader in particular, Emmy (I had to shout you out), has been asking me about this darn banquet for months. Emmy, amongst other readers, is one of those people who observes and relates everything I do back to the one-shot constantly. The truth about the one-shot is that the set-up for the two characters I wrote and the setting I chose was much more simple than the one I'm currently writing. Edward was a low-level police officer, in a small town, who was in love with the sheriff's daughter. I know what you're thinking...how the hell did I end up with SWATward? I don't know either.

In any case, the point I'm trying to make is that look ya'll...we are one step closer to them finally admitting they love each other and making love! I know it seems like it's taking forever but as I told my bff Steph yesterday "I mean we waited like 30 chps. for the lemon in B&B." And it's true what they say...good things are worth waiting for.

One thing I need to explain for proper visualization too is mess dress. I'll let the picture do the talking:

So here's the thing. I don't own photoshop. My current economic situation isn't cool but I tried alright?

Okay, so back to the semantics and story behind this chapter. This chapter literally has been writing itself in my head for months. The line:

The room started to grow strangely dim; her beauty transcended everything around
her.

...has been sitting in my brain box for months. I was inspired by a song and the line came to me and I just knew it needed to be in Edward's revelation. It was honestly my favorite part to write of the entire chapter. It's been a dream-sequence in my life for so long that it felt so liberating to finally write it down and share it with all of you. If there's nothing you like about the chapter, I would only hope Edward's revelation stuck with you. I wanted the reader just to feel as overwhelmed by an intimidating onslaught of emotions as Edward did at that moment. I'm writing this blog before I post the chapter so I don't know your reactions but that was my intent. If you felt your heart swelling and a tingly feeling in your fingers while you read...I did my job.

Another thing I love about this chapter is just how much we see the man we met in the one-shot. Steph and I, lovingly, refer to him as Torturedward. You are shown this man who's so desperately in love with a woman that he's convinced himself he will never have. I didn't go into the obvious details but if you need a reminder go reread Bella's POV last chapter. That part towards the end where she discusses why it would never work between her and Edward are just some of the reasons why they'd never work out. If Bella and Edward didn't share such a strong love between them they would never work out. In the words of Edward:

There were far too many outstanding variables for tonight to go off without a
hitch.

The man knows what he's talking about ladies. It's not me just loving to torture you and making unecessary drama. He calls his revelation before he even knows that it'll happen. He may be stupid for not damning everyone to hell and claiming his girl but he sure is intuitive. That's got to earn him some points, right? Another reason that will be addressed probably next chapter is the other plot-line we've got going with Danny Fiori and the crime that runs rampant in Seattle at the current time. No man is going to willingly drag the love of his life into that sort of environment and believe that their relationship will survive...let alone themeselves. Bella and Edward don't have a simple love story of boy meets girl, they date, and get married in Secret. It's harder for them. So it's obviously hard to get to the point where they can even consider such a relationship.

One more thing I found so uniquely and singularly special this chapter was Rosalie. In the books, Rosalie and Edward tend to have a relatively or mildly hostile relationship but I wanted to see that relationship in a new light. Rosalie's hostility comes from a place of fierce protectiveness and necessity. I wanted her to be protective and concerned for Edward in a less in-your-face way. Edward has fallen in love for the first time with a girl who's seriously taken and doesn't exist to 99% of the population.Rose is worried about him. It's no secret to anyone that Edward has relationship struggles and emotional baggage. The man defines the word turmoil.

Another thing that happens with Rosalie this chapter is something that many readers may not pick up on initially. When Rosalie comes back with the place cards and has a smirk it's because she's in on a little secret. She knows before Edward does that Bella and Jacob will be sitting with them. Rosalie has no idea of what's gone on in the past with Edward and Jacob nor does she know about Bella and Edward's confrontation. The smirk is just out of personal satisfaction. So I gave Rosalie her chance to prove herself this chapter. I hope she stood out to you. I don't dress a lady in red without it being representative of something.

The final thing I must discuss...I'm sure you're all wondering why I chose The Red Wheelbarrow. You'll have to understand the story behind the poem to understand. From what I can accurately remember as told me:

William Carlos Williams was a physician and was on his way to tell a set of parents their child was going to die from cancer. Williams wrote poems randomly between patients and in his spare time. On his way to see the parents, he looked outside the window and noticed a red wheelbarrow, covered with rain, next to a few white chickens. He realized that even in this solemn moment, there was beauty left in the world. Williams experienced what my professor would call a moment of duration. It was a moment where you saw the simple and true beauty of life. You were no longer killing time, you recognized time was killing you. Yet at the same token, time had no bearing. All that mattered was that red wheelbarrow...or the first girl who truly stole your heart.

So by this, I mean to say, look outside the window. Maybe you'll discover your red wheelbarrow. If a closed-off man who sees himself as a lonely, hopeless human being can discover the beauty in his solitary life...anything can happen

I Want You

Chapter 16 of Secret is now up!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4573256/16/

It’s a commonly held belief that men have no insight into the complex minds of women. Despite the truth to that statement I think an exception must also be made…for women like me. I do not presume to understand men nor do feel I necessarily do the male POV any justice but in my personal opinion I seem to be better at writing Edward’s POV versus Bella’s. In other words: writing this chapter was hell.

Many readers—prior to this chapter—reviewed and inquired about Bella’s POV or speculated as to what it might be like. I’m sure there are some readers that are disappointed, some that are surprised, some that are peeved, and some that aren’t particularly surprised at all.
In writing Bella’s relationship with Jacob I faced a dilemma. Like many Twilighter’s I hold the Team Switzerland stance, with a slight bias towards Edward, so I struggled with how to show the good side of Jacob when the Twilight Nation is so strongly Team Edward.

My intent was never to create Jacob and mold him into something I don’t see him as. As I’ve told many readers before, I see Jacob as the second-best. There are no real instances in the series (until he imprints on Renesmee) where Jacob disproves his passionate love for Bella. In this, I mean that Jacob would be just as good a fit for Bella as Edward is. Now I realize in saying I wanted to keep Jacob as “canon” as possible, I’m also raising the argument for why Edward is so OOC. My response would be this: I never intended to write a huge story from the one-shot and when I did I wanted it to be full of drama and excitement.

Secret would never be the story it is if Bella had to choose between two perfect men. If I wanted to write a story about that I’d be plagiarizing Eclipse! What makes the story so unique and special is that Edward isn’t the perfect gentleman we’ve come to love and adore…yet. It’s this long journey of self-discovery and love that brings him to the point where we recognize Edward’s true character. Call me dramatic but I happen to find that more interesting. Of course I could have gone the easy route and made Jacob the awful boyfriend—who can’t give Bella an orgasm—and written Edward as a man who’s practically sex personified and is the perfect man BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE Secret! It would make things too easy and no matter my Team Switzerland stance I will always write a Bella and Edward story. If it were that easy the story would have been done 6 chapters ago.

Another interesting part of this chapter was how much I found myself referencing the one-shot. We don’t realize it as we read Secret but think about it…how many times have we really read a description of the interior of Bella’s home in this story? Once. In her first POV and very briefly and vaguely, I might add. I set up rules for myself in the one-shot. Rules that I love and hate at the same time. Rules that I’ve come to consider bending just for the sake of one scene I’m desperate to write. But I realize I’ll never do that. Another thing that makes the story is the rules. I never intended to drag-out Secret and quite frankly the challenge it has been only serves to make the story better in my opinion. I wish I could share the experience I have writing this story with others. To discuss it and share blogs every once in a while about what’s it like for me isn’t even enough. It’s something special that I wish everyone who cares about this story could understand.

In getting back to the rules I also added some twisted foreshadowing. In this chapter, Bella mentions a particular guest room on two separate occasions. Once, when Jacob’s trying to comfort her after her phone call with Renee, and again when she’s setting Billy up in the guestroom. Would anyone like to take a guess as to why the guestroom is so significant?

If you guessed A: because it’s the room she and Edward have sex in for the first
time, as written in the one-shot…you’re correct! (I wish I had something
tangible to give you but for now I’ll just give you a virtual high-five.)

I wasn’t sure why I wanted to do this foreshadowing but I felt like that room held greater power than anyone of us—myself included—could fathom. I never made a conscious decision as to why I chose that random room in particular while writing the one-shot but I happen to believe everything happens for a reason. I’m sure I’ll never know why that room is so special but I don’t think I necessarily want to.

There’s also some other foreshadowing that Bella does unknowingly but I don’t think I’ll reveal what part it is just yet. I seem to live for your speculation.

As always thanks for reading the blog and reading Secret!